Becoming Her

A lesson in Humility

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:1-2

The fear of being a writer kept me from pursuing a calling I felt God placed on my heart years ago. I heard people confirm it, I had cheerleaders encouraging me, and I heard the Lord whisper to me, “your pain and your story will not be for nothing”. Yet, it seemed so much bigger than this simple girl whose heart wanted to say yes and made attempts to walk out a yes but felt so very unqualified. You see I did life with a friend called insecurity. I listened to her whispers that screamed louder than who God says I am. No matter how much I tried to think differently I continued to walk with insecurity, she was my friend and never left my side.

I had faced so many rejections in my life I just didn’t want to live on what was sure to come in the world of writing. So, I pretty much avoided this calling for years, to the point I was probably being disobedient….Ouch!

Well, I decided to take a leap of faith and position myself in a circle of winners. This was a big move and a bucket list dream to go and learn some things about becoming a writer. I planned a trip to attend the “She Speaks” writer’s conference in Charlotte, NC. This was going to be the decision that would hold me accountable and open the flood gates to that calling.

And the battle began….it was warfare! The journey to go was met with my great talent to procrastinate:

• Two friends were going to go with me, and then they could not…so here I was left with going alone, something I do not do well so I should cancel.

• I bounced back and forth about going because of the timing of my first grandbaby, so I should cancel.

• I am just a baby writer, and the intimidation of others success crippled my courage, so I should cancel.

Then two weeks before I was to fly out that precious baby was born, a month early. I was so excited and thought here’s the excuse I need to cancel this trip and so I did. I was ready to dive into everything grandma….

They were going to need me.

I was going to be there for their unanswered questions and breath in wisdom.

I was going to help with the baby when they were exhausted and sleep deprived.

I was going to cook, clean, and do all the things that would help them as they learned to walk out their new life as parents and

I was going to experience all the goodness that everyone told me about when a grandbaby comes on the scene of life.

But God had a different plan. As it turned out, they didn’t need me at all. In fact, they were on a mission to unite their little family and jump into this parenting role with just one another. So, they set aside a period of time to bond with their baby and close the door to any visitors.

Picture me in this moment….sad face, pity party, and an opportunity to hang out with one of my other friends…Rejection!

I took my wounded heart and tear-filled eyes to the Lord to unravel the unexpected, I prayed against fear and lies that I was unwanted, unimportant, and cast aside.

Rejection, from a very young age, has left me fighting to believe I am unworthy and anytime she rears her ugly head I am tempted to take her hand and travel down that dark and lonely road that leads to hopelessness and despair. However, after years of growing in my faith I have learned my battle is never with people.

I was entering into uncharted waters of a new kind of letting go. It was time for me to move beyond the season of being my son’s mom to his new season of being a dad. The Lord pressed upon my heart to be humble and kind in this season allowing him and his wife the freedom to operate how they choose on the training ground of parenthood. And to be very honest, I was so proud of them for this decision. They have endured a lot in one short year and to watch them walk out the most beautiful journey with confidence and commitment to one another and this new life leaves me in tears of great joy. Joy that came in way that didn’t look like I thought it would.

I learned in all this; humility is being humble enough to know that no one owes you anything. This was an opportunity to see that God was not doing this to me, He was doing this for me.

Paul teaches us in Ephesians 4:1-2 we are called to walk in a worthy manner, meaning to bring one's conduct into harmony with one's calling. We learn humility is a proper assessment of oneself and gentleness is the opposite of self-assertion. A gentle person is one whose emotions are under control. Whereas humility may have one's relationship to God and His blessings in view, gentleness may have the believer's relationship to other people in view.

God has a purpose for our pain and to walk out that purpose He begs us to consider others above ourselves. All along the procrastination, the disappointment was nothing but a distraction from the enemy.

So, with a fragile heart, I asked the Lord, “What do I do now?”

He said, “Go to North Carolina.”

With great expectation I rebooked everything I had cancelled and got on a plane….in obedience, trusting, and overcoming. I listened to the whisper of His voice say…

You are enough.

You are loved.

You are chosen.

“Just keep your eyes on me and step out of the boat so this dream I planted in you can become a reality.”

God is so good and so very kind. In those two days I learned that I could trust God with my heart by humbling myself and learning that when He calls you to something, He will see you through it. He taught me that my fear was placed in the misguided thoughts about myself and no matter much I ran from this calling He would find me and accomplish it despite of me. I met some new friends there…..Freedom, Overcomer, and Victorious whom I found in the teachers of this conference. They said, “Don’t wait to be Brave…go be Brave!"

I came home with a new determination and a new hope as I clung to the words of my favorite author and hero, Lysa TerKeurst:

“There is something wonderfully sacred that happens when a girl chooses to realize that being set aside is actually God’s call for her to be set apart.”

In “becoming her” I choose to let go of the things that hold me back and affirm who He says I am, Chosen….to be writer for the Kingdom of Heaven.

Not for me but for the ONE who waters my soul.

I pray this gives you hope today. Maybe you are running from something God has asked of you and the obstacles seem too big for your Yes. Let me encourage you….He will give you everything you need. All you need to do is say, “Here I am, send me.” ~Isiah 6:8