Unloved

This morning, as I got ready for the day, my husband came into our bathroom to let me know something he had just learned. What he said to me made me tear up and stuck with me all day. I am not a writer but felt the Lord tugging at me to share this with you. If it moved me like it did, surely someone else needed to hear it too.

My husband began by talking about the lineage of Jesus – Solomon, David, Boaz…all the way to Judah, Jacob’s son. Then he asked me if I knew who Judah’s mother was. I did not know off of the top of my head. Do you know? The answer made me cry. Leah. Leah, the one Jacob never wanted. Leah was the great, great, I don’t know how many greats, grandmother of Jesus! Let me remind you who Leah is.

Let’s go to Genesis. In chapter 27, Jacob steals his brother’s, Esau, birthright through deception. Esau plans to kill Jacob, so Jacob flees to his uncle’s house. In Chapter 29, Jacob arrives at his uncle Laban’s house. Laban has 2 daughters – Leah, the oldest, and Rachel, the younger. Jacob was in love in Rachel (gross, I know but that’s how they did things in those days) and made a deal to work for him for 7 years in exchange for Rachel’s hand. Well, Ol’ Uncle Laban pulled a switcheroo and gave him Leah instead of Rachel! The deceiver got deceived! Jacob agreed to work another 7 years in exchange to marry Rachel.

Here is where my heart breaks.

In verse 30 it says “…and he (Jacob) also loved Rachel more than Leah.”

Verse 31: “When the Lord saw that Leah was unloved, he opened her womb; but Rachel was barren”. Leah had a son and, in verse 32, she said …“Surely my husband will love me now.”

In verse 33, Leah conceived again, giving birth to another son. “Because the Lord heard that I am unloved, He gave me this one too.” In verse 34, she conceived again. This time she states “Now this time my husband will become attached to me, because I have bore him 3 sons.”

Have you ever done that or thought that before? If I do this (insert whatever), he will love me. If I do that, she will love me. I know I have and did that exact thing for many, many years of my life. Then, it was “if I only had another baby, I would feel loved”. I was trying to fill a void in my life with a baby. I was Leah in more ways than one!

After the conversation with my husband, my heart hurt for Leah. I knew exactly how she felt. For most of my life I have felt unloved by the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally. If I made perfect grades, she would love me. If I excelled in sports, she would love me. If I did all the right things, said the right things, behaved the right way…I could go on and on. This carried over into adulthood. In my brokenness, I tried to be perfect at everything, from housework to schoolwork, from being a wife to a friend, from parenting my children to treating my patients. I was a “yes man” (well, woman) and an enabler. I allowed people to walk all over me because I wanted them to like me. I longed to be loved and if I was liked then I was loved, right? But I couldn’t be perfect at everything, and all that did was spiral me deeper into depression and eliminate any self-worth I had, which was miniscule at best.

Back to Leah. I love verse 35.

And she conceived again and bore a son, and said, “Now I will praise the Lord.” Therefore she called his name Judah…”

Judah - the great, great (again I don’t know how many greats) grandfather of Boaz, the great grandfather of David , who was the father of Solomon and so on and so forth (you can read the full lineage in Matthew 1:1) until you get to Jesus! Leah was the less favored of the 2 wives yet it is through HER line through which Jesus was born! And I love that it was with this child, her 4th son, that she chose to praise the Lord and not be concerned with Jacob. Perhaps, like me, she finally realized that she WAS loved the whole time by the only One who really matters. She didn’t need to earn Jacob’s love; she was already loved. I didn’t need to fill my void with a baby, I needed to fill it with Jesus!

Friends, can I just remind you that YOU ARE SO LOVED BY OUR CREATOR! God loves you unconditionally! He is good! He is kind! He is loving! He leaves the 99 for you! (Matthew 18:12) And you are precious in His sight! (Isaiah 43:4) Our self-worth doesn’t lie in other people. Fix your eyes on Jesus! Have a heart relationship with Him. I promise you, your life will be changed.